from my heart

wow! so much has happened in the past 3 weeks since my last post.


*Nora-Cupcake turned the BIG 1! i  promise to post party pics.
*My family came into town, what fun to have them here.
*Valentines Day!
*Nora-Cupcake is starting to walk!
*My 5 year anniversary with my hubby!
*My mom had open heart surgery!

i have never been more exhausted but at peace in my life. I got a call 10 days ago that my mom had a mild heart attack. I froze. we were supposed to be meeting friends for breakfast and already lost my appetite. I immediately started praying, "Lord please be with my mom, being her peace and strength".
I instantly became fearful, what if she never sees Nora walk, what if my other kids dont know her, what if she never sees my sister get married. ( i am a worrier by nature ) I had to shut my mind off to just make it through breakfast. The next 2 days were the worst as i began to believe God for my moms health. as she had a heart cath monday morning i knew things were going to come out just fine. But they didnt. My mom needed a quadruple bypass.
Now adam and i were supposed to be taking an anniversary trip for celebrating 5 years! that changed verrry quickly. we packed up and left tuesday morning for asheville, north carolina. the whole way there i contemplated why my family was going through this. As a pastor i get to pray with people all the time, and i believe God to heal their family members, why was it so hard for me to grasp that he could heal mine? i wasnt mad at God, i was overwhelmed, i was in shock, i didnt want my mom to have to go through surgery, i was scared, i was sad my sister couldnt be there. We got to the hospital around 7:30 pm, my mom was just coming too. I needed to see her.
We were greeted by my incredible aunts who had been by her side and always will be. i was cleared to go up to see my mom by myself. the three floors up in the elevator felt like forever. susan the nurse walked me in, i held it together it at first. i grabbed my moms swollen hand and squeezed it. she squeezed back which is when i lost it. if you have ever heard me try to talk when i am crying you know its not pretty. but i knew my mom wouldnt care. i told her i loved her, that i was there for her, that nora couldnt wait to give grandmaw kisses, that we were praying for her, that she was going to make it through. I had all the nurses crying by the time i was done.
the next 36 hours were intense! visiting hours were very particular. every 4 hours for 20 minutes. it would feel like forever waiting to see her and then time would fly by! her surgery had gone great, and she was recovering very quickly. Now for those of you who have never seen my mom she is 5"2 and 110lbs. tiny, tiny and a precious lady! the main concern at that point was to get her eating again.
So thursday afternoon i go up to visit, my moms door is closed, i knock, no one answers so i go in! I open the door to the worst visual ever! four people are hovered over my mom. what are they doing? is something majorly wrong? why is no one telling me whats going on? i am shooed off very quickly. i am so shaken up i cant even find my phone to call adam. when i do call him i am such a blubbery mess i cant even tell him what happened at first. i finally collect myself enough to pray for some peace and with adams coaching i go back upstairs to talk to a nurse. I walk up and meet cindy, who very harshly tells me my moms lung has collapsed, she was stable, but they had to place a tube in to drain some fluid! WHATTT? ok im still processing her heart let alone now her lung! i dont even know what lung collapses do or what they mean. i feel sick, scared, worried, alone, upset all in one breath. i rush to the elevator calling adam to come get me. i cant be there anymore! i didnt want to be alone. so my incredible husband comes to get me. after he calms me down and reassures me he goes up to talk to the nurse. Comes back down and explains it all to me! i still was a nervous wreck. Adam and were going to go home friday but we decide to stay.
As i layed in bed thursday night, nora and adam both asleep, i began to bawl. i was tired from not sleeping (Nora HATES hotels so she didnt sleep well, but adam would drive her around so she could nap, what a guy :) emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed and just done. i remember saying "god, please turn this around. i know you have a plan for my mom. i dont want to be scared anymore. please reassure me she is in your hands and you are in control". And all of a sudden i felt God come into our hotel room. I was at total peace and i knew my mom was going to be fine.
Friday was my 5 year anniversary. We spent it at the hospital, laundromat, hotel and firehouse subs :)
my mom was still in pain but i could see she was making progress. I loved sitting in her room watching her sleep. i wanted to soak in every moment. i wanted to take away her pain. i wanted to take her to the beach where everything would be fine. Friday afternoon my mom said "julie, happy anniversary. im sorry you have to be here" and i said "mom, there is no where else i would rather be" and i meant it. i love my mom so much and for once i felt like i could give something to her that was a big thank you for everything she gave to me. i treasure my family so much and i am so grateful for everything my momma instilled in me. i went to sit on her bed and told her what kind of person would i be if i wasnt here when you needed me most? i want her to be able to depend on me. i want to give back to her like she gave to me and jessie.
saturday and sunday are 2 days i will treasure my entire life! my mom was herself again, laughing talking, walking around, being picky about food, and she looked good. i stayed late saturday night to walk with my mom around the hospital. my eyes teared up and she took baby steps all down the hall. i was so overwhelmed that 5 days earlier i was scared my mom was gonna die and here we are walking the halls and laughing. i sit here crying thinking about that moment and how much it means to me. i know god had that special moment setup for me and my mom. it didnt matter how tired i was, or that i was breaking the hospital rules by being there late, it mattered to me that my mom knew i was there for her. that i would stop everything to come and take care of her. she means more to me than she will ever know.
as i said goodbye sunday morning i could leave happy. god had answered our prayers. the leak in my moms lung is closing and she is on her way to a full recovery. i wish i could be there still but i know i will see her soon.
when i was playing with nora this morning, i was so reminded how god hears our hearts. he knows our prayers long before do and our best interest is always in his mind. he is a god of love and life and peace and grace. and thats my prayer for you, may your heart be full of his love and life and your mind be filled with his peace!
xoxo
julie